


You can sleep when you're dead

by lovely_whisper



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 07:42:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16760884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovely_whisper/pseuds/lovely_whisper
Summary: The romantic life of an intern is at times complicated. Especially if your name is Meredith Grey.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story back in 2006 and finished publishing it on a different fanfiction website in 2007. It's always been one of my favorite stories and it's still one of my favorite tv-shows. Therefor I found it fitting to publish it here as well. The story is still the same, but I improved some of the sentences and hopefully corrected all of the typo's.

You can sleep when you're dead. Never before has a single sentence been so true. And for those of you who don't know yet, it's the perfect sentence to describe the live of an intern. It might even be one of the most used sentences in this hospital. People might not always say it out loud, but they sure as hell think it. They mutter it when they see you yawn, some of them will think it when they hear you say that you're tired and some of them will actually just throw it in your face. Just so you know where you stand.

Speaking of where your stand. Right now I have absolutely no idea. All I know is that I'm the intern. The one who has to listen to everyone, sometimes even to the nurses. Or at least pretend to listen to them, just so they won't page me for every rectal exam they have to perform. Because let's face it, there's not a living soul on this planet that would volunteer to do rectals. The only thing I wouldn't miss if I was no longer in this field.

Something I would miss are the amazing and interesting surgeries. Especially if you have a great shot of being the intern who gets to scrub in. The one who will have the pleasure to assist on open heart surgery, a craniotomy, a complex c-section and, if you're really lucky, a humpty dumpty surgery. That is, if your name stays on the board instead of being magically erased.

Something I would love to erase is my love life. I have been torn apart between Derek and Finn for I don't know how long. Torn between McVet and McDreamy. And just when I thought it couldn't become more complicated, it did. Courtesy of dr. Mark Sloan. He just had to suggest that I should move one, start over fresh, maybe even with him. Why the hell did he do that? Doesn't he know that my life is already complicated enough without McSteamy making googly eyes at me? Probably not. Without even a second thought I told him I wasn't interested. I am forever grateful to the person that paged him right that second, because he or she saved me from his reply. Mark simply ordered me to get him another beer before walking off to call the hospital.

As I made my way to the bar to order him that beer, Derek suddenly stepped in front of me, introducing himself to me like I had never met him before. I couldn't help but roll my eyes when he explained himself. But when he tells me that he wants to start over, start fresh, I can't help but look past him. I see Mark standing there and he obviously heart every word.

I lock eyes with him, desperately searching for an answer, but all I get is a blank stare. When I turn my attention back to Derek, I can see Mark heading to the table, grabbing his coat, before making his way out the door.

I look at Derek, who, for the first time, actually seems sincere about his feelings. Two hours ago I would have jumped him right there and then, thanking him for finally coming to his senses. Instead I look at him and hear myself tell him it's too late. That I can't be with him, not right now anyway. I need time to think, time to make my own decision. That I think he should enjoy being alone for a while. I know I've always enjoyed being alone. I don't tell him I'm sorry, I just hug him goodbye, before heading to the table to get my coat. Before I walk out of the door, I turn around one last time and the last thing I see is the defeated look in his eyes.

When I reach my car I feel a calm feeling wash over me. I feel like tonight, I have started a new part of my life. The part where I'm not depending on Derek anymore to make me feel good. For the first time in a very long while I am happy. Courtesy of dr. Mark Sloan.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jumping to conclusions was never this easy.

_Mark's POV_

I am so stupid. That thought has been haunting me ever since I left Joe's. I am so incredibly stupid. Right now, there is no doubt in my mind that my 400 dollars an hour shrink is right. Why on earth did I say that? I just had to tell her that she should move on. Start over fresh. And I just had to add that she could always move on with me. I had made it sound like a joke and honestly, that's what I thought it was. A joke. But for some reason I feel angry, even jealous maybe. But most of all I just feel incredibly confused.

Stepping out of the elevator I head towards my office with such high speed that nobody will be able to ask me anything. I slam the door extra hard, feeling satisfied for just a second, and I hope it sends a message. Better not disturb Dr Sloan right now, because he will have your head.

For a while I just pace around my office, thoughts racing through my mind, tiring me out. Heavily I sit down in one of the chairs and rest my head in my hands. I try to think of other things, happy things. Anything to make me stop thinking about earlier this evening.

For a while I thought Meredith and I were having a good time. We were talking and laughing, but most of all, we both weren't thinking about Derek. That's when I got paged. After telling Meredith to order me another beer, I make my way to the pay phone in the back of Joe's as I realized my cell phone was still charging in my office. When I walk back to our table, I freeze when I see Derek talking to Meredith. Since I'm unable to hear what he says, I walk a little closer, even though there's this voice in my head that tells me to stay out of it. When I'm close enough, I hear Derek tell Meredith that he would like to start over. At that exact moment Meredith looks past Derek and stares at me with a slightly helpless look in her eyes. On the spot I decide to make things easier for her and - moving out of her sight - I make my way to the table, grab my coat and walk out of Joe's without looking back.

Even though the hospital didn't need me to come in, I decide to go in anyway, hoping there might be something there to get me to stop thinking about this night's events. I couldn't be more wrong though. For some reason every single thing in Seattle Grace reminds me of Meredith Grey. Whether I want to or not.

Just then I hear a soft knock on the door. I decide to ignore it, hoping that whoever it is, will go away. Luck isn't on my side though.

Suddenly the door slowly opens and reveals Meredith. Her eyes focused on her shoes, her hands fumbling with the buttons on her shirt. Even though she isn't smiling and she looks in a slight state of dissaray, she still looks incredibly hot to me.

Sitting up a little I watch her take a few steps into my office before closing the door as softly as she opened it. I can literally see her building up the courage to say something and I feel the dread creeping in as I think about what it might be.

Slowly she looks up and meets my eyes.

"We have to talk". 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter. Don't worry though, they will get longer :-). 
> 
> Reviews are, as always, greatly appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Meredith ends up in Mark's office to talk, if must be serious.

_Meredith's pov_

I mentally kick myself for making this mistake. Why on earth did I go to Mark? I was having a wonderful time, alone in my car. I felt light and clear, instead of all dark and twisty. I should have just gone home. But instead I now find myself in the office of my fellow dirty mistress. And he's looking at me. Expectantly. Like 'she's about the say something' expectantly.

Damn, I hate it when he's right. I was about to say something. Because I started with the famous words 'we need to talk'. You don't say that when you don't have the intention to start a conversation . A few moments ago I knew exactly what I was going to say, but now I'm not so sure. I'm definitely not sure because Mark is looking at me so expectantly. 

I spot him rolling his eyes. Busted! I hope he doesn't know that I'm rambling in my head. I hate it when I do that. Maybe I should just open my mouth and start talking. But I might ramble again.

"So, you talked to Derek?", Mark finally says, sounding slightly annoyed that I didn't say something earlier

Thank heavens! I suddenly feel relieved that Mark started the conversation. But I should really say something now, because he's already looking at me again. Damn him.

"Yeah, I did", I tell him.

Well, that was easy. Since I'm still fumbling with the buttons of my shirt, I'm now getting slightly worried that I might rip them of. And me, half naked in Dr Sloan's office, doesn't seem like a very good idea. Then again, pretty much everything I've done lately hasn't been a good idea.

"So I guess congratulations are in order?", he asks, his voice thick and rough and not joyful at all. 

I feel myself staring at him wide eyed. Did he just say congratulations? Why would he... ah, right. He probably figured we were back together now. Seriously, I have to stop rambling like this. Because now Mark is starting to look like he's about to admit me to the Psych Ward.

"Congratulations?", I almost choke out. "No, they are not in order".

He now looks a little bit relieved. 

"What happened?", he replies, meanwhile pointing to the chair in front of him.

I slowly make my way towards it and sit down. I take a deep breath before looking at him.

"Well, if you would have eavesdropped a little longer, you would have heard me tell him that he should be alone for a while. That I needed some space and some time to figure things out.", I explain.

"I didn't eaves..", Mark starts to say, but one stern look of me and he cuts off his words.

"Okay, so maybe I did". He shrugges. "Just curious you know". 

I look at him and can't help but smile at the statement.

"But why did you walk away from him? You love him right?", he pushes.

"I do, or at least I think I do. But it's a complicated and long story", I tell him, a small part of me hoping he will let it rest. But of course he doesn't.

"Then uncomplicate it", he says. "Besides, I have all the time in the world".

"Fine. Have it your way. I'll tell you. But do you at least have something to drink? I was actually looking foward to that second drink at Joe's, but you left kinda early".

He smirks at me and stands up, making his way to his desk. My eyes follow his movements. When he bends forward to open the lowest drawer, my eyes land on his ass. He has a nice ass. Nice ass? What am I doing? I can't be looking at his ass. Seriously! For a second I panic because I can't seem to look anywhere else and the last thing I want right now is him catching me stare at his ass. When he stretches upward, I'm finally able to tear my eyes away from him and focus my stare at my hands. 

Making his way back to me, he hands me a glass filled with a liquor I can't smell. I take a small sip, silently thanking him for stashing wodka in his desk.

"So, start talking", he urges, sounding like a shrink.

I take a few deep breaths and start talking.

"Have you ever settled for friendship? Even though you could have love?", I ask.

"What do you mean?", he replies. Answering a question with a question, really shrink like.

"Well, sometimes I wonder if maybe Derek and I aren't supposed to love each other. That maybe we're not even supposed to be together. And that maybe we don't really love each other, we just think we do. Because neither of us has been alone for a longer period of time." 

When I look at him, his eyes are filled with recognition and I wonder if he might feel the same way.

Without using words, instead just using his eyes, he urges me to continue.

"We've been dancing around each other for such a long time. I think neither of us knew what we wanted. But it's weird, you know. Because I can't help but wonder if he will hurt me again. Because honestly I've been hurt enough". I pause shortly, before continuing. 

"First he leads me on for weeks, making me fall in love with him so fast. And he never ever tells me that he's married. So all the secret phonecalls I ignore. Because I love him. And love really makes you blind. And then weeks later I meet the woman that he's been married to for the last 11 years. He made me the dirty mistress that I still am today." I pause again as I feel my throat close up as all of my emotions make their way to the surface once more.

I take a long sip from my drink and look at him. He expression softened and he's leaning back in his seat, almost relaxed. He smiles at me lightly and urges me once again to continue.

"Then, when he finds out that I'm moving on, he calls me a whore and breaks me down into a thousand little pieces once more. Just when I was all glued back together. But even calling me a whore, didn't stop him from sleeping with me and therefore cheating on his wife on prom night."

"I have dealt with this for far too long a time. I am tired of worrying and I figured that maybe I should start listening to my friends when they tell me that he's no good for me. Maybe they're right, maybe I should move on. Completely. Without Derek".

My cheeks are burning when I finish talking and I feel a weird sense of closure. I feel my eyes burn with unshed tears, so I stand up and walk a few steps in his opposite direction, so my back is towards him and urge myself to calm down. 

I hear him stand up and start walking. For a second I think he might be walking towards the liquor again, but seconds later I feel his arms around me to pull me into a hug. The back of my head rests on his shoulder as I relax instantly under his touch.

"Maybe we should. Maybe we should move on", he whispers in my ear, his breath tickling me and sending shivers down my spine.

I close my eyes and just enjoy the moment. For a second I wish that he never lets go. I feel happy when he holds me. It's been a long time since I've been happy.

After a few minutes he gently steps back but never lets go of me. He slowly spins me around and stares into my eyes.

"Thank you", I hear him say and see him smiling at me.

He presses a soft kiss to my forehead, then walks towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I dare to ask.

He looks over his shoulder and grins widely.

"I'm going to settle for friendship".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Mark's going to settle for friendship? What do you think? Is he really going to do it? 
> 
> Hopefully you liked the longer chapter! Reviews are as always greatly appreciated. I'll update soon.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark decides to settle for friendship. Will he pull through?

_Mark's POV_

I'm going to settle for friendship'. Those six words have been racing through my mind ever since I left Meredith. Ok, so maybe that happened only 10 minutes ago but still, those words were all I could think about. I had sound so sure back there. Like deep down inside I knew it was the right thing to do. But when you are about to end a part of your life, a part of your life that made you very happy, you're just not so sure anymore. Then again, there had been a million signs, all of which told me that my dearly wanted future with Addison pretty much never excisted to begin with. Ending it shouldn't be that hard. Besides, it's not like I'm going to hurt her, as she has told me pretty much a million times that I'm nothing more than a transcontinental booty call. Every single time she said that, it had struck me, hurting me more than I let on.

So when you think clearly and put one and one together, you are left with the conclusion that in this case it is better, and a lot healthier, if you just settle for friendship. Besides, he was tired of competing with Derek, whether or not Derek was there to compete against. He was tired of being treated by Derek like he was the bad guy and he was definitely tired of being treated like the booty call Addison had turned him into. So he was definitely settling for friendship.

Arriving at the Maternity Ward, as that would be the place to find Addison, I stride through it in a straight line, carefully avoiding everything that had anything to do with babies. Personally, I don't have a problem with kids, as long as they aren't mine. Babies just aren't my thing. After walking through the main corridor of the Ward I end up in front of Addison's office.

For a few seconds I consider walking away like nothing had happened, but I know that's not the right thing to do. Somehow I feel like I have made a promise to Meredith and if there was one thing I should follow up on, it would be a promise.

So I just knock on the door. After a few moments I hear Addison tell me to come in. Taking a deep breath I walk into her office and close the door behind me. I then casually lean against it as I watch her.

"Hey", she said, looking up at me, before turning her attention back to the file in front of her.

"Hey", I replied. When I realize she's not looking up, I decide to speak up again. "We need to talk".

That got me her attention. Closing the file she was working on, she looks up at me. 

"About what?", she asked casually.

I slowly make my way to her desk and sit down in one of the seats across from it.

"About us", I confirm.

When I look at her, all I see is confusion in the eyes that I fell in love with.

"Why now?",

So this is it. This is the time to be honest, to be completely honest about everything. For a second I feel like everything is moving too fast. That I´m not ready yet. But let´s face it, if I stay the same old Mark, I will never be ready. I just have to face this head on and make the best of it. That I can do.

"Because I'm tired Addi", I start. "Tired of competing for your attention, tired of hurting Derek, tired of being me. Tired of hurting me. Let's face it, my obsession for you isn't healthy and it will probably never will be. I've been hung up on a woman who I can't reach, who is way out of my leaque and who doesn't feel the way about me."

I pause for a second, because I need to take a deep breath. I have never been this honest about anything and it feels weird. I close my eyes for a second and when I open them again I see her looking at me. The confusion left her eyes, compassion and understanding have taken its place.

Before she is able to say anything, I continue.

"We can't keep doing this", I tell her. "No more trans-continental booty calls, no more calling me in the middle of the night and expect me to show up. Enough is enough. I can't keep living like this. I doesn't make me happy anymore Addi. I thought it did, but I realize now that I can't have what I want, so I should just stop. I can't keep fighting for your love Addi. Not when you have told me over and over that you will never love me."

I can see her blinking away a few tears that try to spill. My words obviously have gotten through to her. She still fiddles with the pen as she speaks up.

"Thank you", she says, her voice barely audible. "Thank you for being so honest. I have made such a mess of everything".

I try to interrupt, but she just helds up her hand as she continues.

"Even though I've been honest with you from day one, I still feel like I've used you. I have used you to ease my mind, to make me feel better. In the end I never really considered how you felt. I never thought of what it did to you. But now I do. And I know that I was wrong. Incredibly wrong by thinking that all of this didn't effect you. That you were just in for the easy sex.".

While she was talking I could see her face change. Her twisted expression slowly disseapeared and the more she said the more she started to look relieved. Now, there were no more maybe's, no more twisted feelings. Now I knew I was doing to right thing.

"So all I want to say is that I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry for everything I did. I just really hope that we can be friends. That one day the three of us can be friends again.", she finishes.

When we look at each other, we smile a little. Knowing that everything is ok now, we both stand up and I watch her moving around her desk to step in front of me. She wraps her arms around me and gives me a hug. For a few seconds I hug her back before slowly taking a step back to look at her.

"I'd really like that", I tell her. "Being friends that is. And maybe, someday, I can be friends with Derek again. But I'm going to let him set the pace. Maybe if he sees that we can be friends, he and I can be friends again too", I explain to Addison, feeling incredibly relieved and for a second I wonder if my current state of euforia can be marked as light and bubbly. God, I hope not. Because that would definitely be the end of my world renowned reputation.

We both smile as she extends her hand waiting for me to shake it. 

"Friends!", we say, both at the same time.

"So, no more hard feelings?", she asks me.

I shake my head.

"No, no more hard feelings. You?".

"Not at all", she smiles at me and that's my cue to leave.

"Well, I have a surgery in half a hour, so I really should go. I guess I'll see you around", I say.

"I'm sure we will", Addison replies, smiling softly.

When I leave her office and close the door behind me, I can't help myself smiling. I've never felt this content, never felt this happy. Settling for friendship might not be such a bad thing after all.

**TBC!**

**Next chapter** : Meredith faces Derek and decides that she wants to settle for friendship too. But will Derek react the way Addison has? Stay tuned!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updates. I've just reread this chapter and made a few small changes. I am totally not happy with this chapter and the way it was written, but at least I'm glad to see my writing style improved a lot over the years. I didn't want to change too much, as I'm sure it would turn into a completely different story.  
> Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, it makes me really happy to see people still like this story. See you next chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Meredith's turn to settle for friendship. How will Derek react?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-reading this before uploading, I barely had to change anything. Guess it's safe to say I write Meredith's POV a lot better than Mark's.

_Meredith's POV_

' _Hey Grey, just so you know. I have just talked to Addison and we have settled for friendship. I feel kind of relieved. It feels good knowing that Addison and I are friends now. So I guess you're up next? Well good luck I say to you, cause you're gonna need it. Talk to you soon'._  
  
'Damn it'. I silently curse Mark after hearing the message he left as a voicemail. He did it. He had actually talked to Addison and they had settled for friendship. And now he was wishing me luck. Cause I'm gonna need it. He really knows how to put the pressure on someone. And I hate to admit it, but he is actually right. I am next. I have to talk to Derek and try and settle for friendship. Not like that's going to be easy, but after a whole lot of consideration, I came to the conclusion that friendship might be the best thing for us.

So I try to gain all of my strength and take off in my search for Derek. I have to talk to him today, because delaying this matter will most definitely cause a whole lot of trouble.

After checking the board I learn that Derek has no surgery for rest of the day, which would probably give me enough time to talk to him. I am relieved that he doesn't have any surgeries, because I figure that my little speech will hurt him. And if he's hurt, he won't be able to operate. Okay, I'm rambling again. I have to stop doing that.

After wondering the hospital for about fifteen minutes I finally track him down in one of the locker rooms. His face lits up when he sees me standing in the doorway and I instantly feel guilty as hell. For a few seconds I feel like I can't breath and I hope to God that he doesn't notice.

"Hey Mer", he says, smiling his biggest McDreamy smile.

He walks closer to me and kisses my cheek. When he kisses me again and his lips almost touch mine, I turn my head slightly so his lips caress my cheek once again.

"Hi Derek", I reply softly.

"What's wrong?", he asks, his voice full of concern, obviously because I wouldn't let him kiss me. 

I wonder for a second what answer to give. Should I be honest and tell him everything I have to say or should I just say that everything's fine? Seriously, sometimes I really can't stand to be around myself. Not even an hour ago I was so certain that settling for friendship was the best thing to do and now I was so confused. Shaking my head in a small attempt to organize my thoughts, I realize that I indeed just have to tell him. I just have to get it over with, because I know me and I know that if I don't tell him now, I will probably never tell him.

I take a deep breath and decide that I'd better start talking.

"We... We have to talk", I tell him, slightly impressed with myself that I was able to form an entire sentence.

I can feel his mood changing and his face falls just a little, before he lifts his head up to look me in the eye.

"About what, Meredith?", he replies, using my full first name, instead of calling me Mer. Maybe he's afraid that if he _Mer's_ me I will start yelling.

Damn it. Time has come. Way too soon. I take a few more deep breaths, before I look at him and start talking.

"About us, Derek. We need to talk about us".

His face clears up slightly when I bring up the us thing. Little does he know that I'm about to break his heart. Even though it hurts to the core, I decide to go through with it, because eventually it will be for the best.

"You had all the time you needed and you're willing to start over fresh?", he asks me hopefully.

"Not exactly", I say, sounding way too unsure.

"Then what it is Mer. Just say it, it would make you feel better", he urges me.

No, it wouldn't make me feel better. Not at all. Having this conversation over and done with, that would make me feel better. But I can't tell him that. I need to tell him the truth. Because he deserves the truth.

And then I realize that I just have to start rambling. Really rambling, like a Meredith kind of rambling. Because that's what I do best. So I decide to give it a try.

"I can't do this anymore Derek. I can't let you hanging like this. I can't have you waiting for me, while there's a chance that you will be waiting an eternity. I can't let you put your life on hold for a girl like me Derek. It's just not fair."

"Can't I decide whether or not it's fair?", he askes me, his voice sounding slightly worried.

"No!", I exclaim. "You can't decide that, because right now you are willing to wait a lifetime. And you shouldn't Derek, you really shouldn't".

I feel like I have just witnessed a dejá vu. Because I have used those words before. When I told Finn that he really shouldn't come back to visit me, when I broke up with him. And now I am about to break up with Derek.

I see his face fall as reality hits him. My words have hit him like a ton of bricks and I can see the look in his eyes change when he realizes what I am trying to say.

"You're... You're breaking up with me?", he askes me, his voice sounding cold now, though a little quivering. He looks at me and I know that I have to say it. He needs confirmation.

"Yes, I am", I tell him, my voice soft and weak. I am at the urge of crying and breaking down.

His entire appearance changes in front of me. His eyes turn stone cold and his body tenses up, his fists clenching and unclenching.

"This has anything to do with Mark?" he spits out and his words shock me. How the hell does he know that? I try to keep the shock out of my eyes and my voice when I answer him.

"Why would this have anything with Mark?", I ask him, sounding a little angry that he would bring this up. I hope that my anger will mask the shock.

"I heard some gossip", he replies coldly.

"Gossip? Since when do you listen to gossip?", I tell him.

"They saw you talking and laughing", he sneers.

"Wow. Then it must be true huh? Because I'm talking and laughing with Dr Sloan, I'm probably screwing him too!", I exclaim angrily, not caring whether or not my words affect him.

He looks shocked by my outburst.

"Well, it must be true then, otherwise you wouldn't have reacted this way", he replies. The look in his eyes now one of pure disgust.

"For the record Derek. This has nothing to do with Mark. This has to do with us. This is for the best Derek. We're not supposed to be together. Not after everything we have been true. I am tired of competing. Tired of living up to your idea of the perfect woman. Because let's face it. I ain't perfect. You obviously never loved me enough, I obviously never was the one for you. You didn't pick me Derek. When you had the chance, you didn't pick me. And I respect you so much for that. You really are a good guy Derek, but it's just not going to work for us."

There, I said it. I have been perfectly straight with him and now all I want to do is crawl into the corner and just cry. Because honestly, he really looks broken now. I broke him into a million little pieces and I'm not sure if he can mend himself back together.

When I look at him, I can see a whole lot of emotions running through his eyes. I even think I can see a little hatred. I wouldn't blame him if he did. Hate me that is. I gave him a perfect reason to hate me.

He starts walking towards the door and when his hand reaches the doorknob, he stops momentarily.

"I never want to see you again", he tells me, his back still turned, his voice cold and angry, before he walks out of the locker room, slamming the door on his way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me so far! Reviews are - as always - greatly appreciated.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back guys?! Sorry that it took me so long to update. I kept thinking 'I need to update', but everytime I did, something always came up. Since it's only 5 more chapters I'm going to try and upload at least 1 or 2 more chapters before the weekend's over.

_Meredith's POV_

After Derek leaves, the slamming of the door echoes in my head. I thought that telling him that we were finally and completely over would give me some sort of closure, some sort of peace. Instead I feel awful, heartbroken, but most of all so incredibly quilty. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know that what I did was for the best.

Because let's face it, we have no future. We were doomed from the start. We were doomed the moment he lied to me, the moment he seduced me without telling me he was married. But hey, I've been weak too. I tried to forget about him, tried to erase him from my mind. But no such luck. No matter how hard I tried, there was something that always drew me back to him. Like I was some sort of a puppet on a string. Because let's face it, he did pull all my strings. But that's over now. I think I finally managed to make him hate me. And hey, he has every right to hate me. Okay, I am totally rambling now, that really has to stop.

I sit down at one of the benches and look in the mirror across of me. The person staring back at me scares me. She looks tired, has dark circles under her eyes and her hair looks like it needs a conditioner. When I think of the conditioner, flares of memories enter my mind. Derek used to love my conditioner. My sweet, lavender smelling conditioner. I make a mental note to dispose it and find a completely different smelling one. Seriously, I really think I need to dispose everything that would somewhat remind me of Derek, because otherwise I'm not so sure that I will pull through.

When I contemplate the thought of pulling through, a sense of peace washes over me and suddenly I realise that I will be able to pull through. Because I have Mark. And he better be there for me. For a second I believe that if Mark never settled for friendship with Addison, I probably never would have told Derek. Even in a serious matter like this, he's still able to challenge me. I could always just blame it on Mark. That would be the easy thing to do. Blame it all on Mark, explain to Derek and maybe he would understand and take me back. And then what? Happily ever after?

Maybe we'll be happy for a few months, maybe even a few years. But I don't want to be just happy. Or maybe I have just forgotten what it's like to be happy.

I hate the fact that I'm feeling so insecure. I should be jumping with joy now. Or maybe not, because that would have been inappropriate. Maybe I should just get up and walk away from this locker room. If I only had a place to go. Okay, now I'm really drowning in self pity. Of course I have places to go. I could go home and see my friends. They would be able to lighten my spirits. Or maybe I could go and see if Mark was at the hotel. Or maybe, I should go to Joe's, cause let's face it, Joe's has all the answers. Well, he has tequila and right now that sounds good to me.

So I stand up, brush off my clothes and take another look in the mirror. I adjust my hair and put it up in a pony tail. I take a deep breath and tell myself that this is the start of my new life. The start of a new and improved Meredith. But that new life will start tomorrow. Right now I need some tequila.

4 minutes later, a new world record, I arrive at Joe's and sit down at the bar.

"Hi honey, what can I get you?", Joe askes me, sending me one of his famous smiles.

I roll my eyes. Seriously? The guy still has to ask me what to get me?

"Tequila, please. And keep 'em coming", I tell him, trying to smile back at him but failing miserably.

"Rough night?", he asks me when he puts the shot in front of me, the bottle of tequila next to it.

I drink the shot in one swift motion and slam the glass on the bar.

"You could say that", I answer him.

Without waiting for me to point at the glass, he fills it back up.

"McDreamy?"

I look at him in surprise. Since when do barkeepers know how to read minds?

He senses my suprise and explains himself.

"He was here earlier. Ordering a large single malt scotch and mumbling to himself. Something about that he figured that divorcing his wife would make you go back to him. That he thought that everything was solved, but that somehow Mark has seemed to ruin another good thing".

"Really? He really said that?", I ask Joe.

"Yeah, he did. Just tell me one thing. Does Mark really have to do something with this? Is he really involved?"

I look at him and contemplate an answer. I'm pretty sure Joe is still on my side, so telling him the truth seems the best idea.

"Yeah, he does. But it's complicated. Something about settling for friendship while you can have love. He settled for friendship with Addison and I just did the same with Derek. Or at least _I_ settled for friendship, I'm not sure Derek feels the same", I tell him.

Joe looks confused for just a second, before he starts smiling at me.

"That, my friend, is one of the better ideas I've heard in a while. If it means anything, I think you did the right thing. I'm happy for you.", he tells me, before filling up my glass once again.

"Thanks Joe, and for the record, it really means something. I think I really needed to hear that I did the right thing."

I take some money from my wallet and put it on the bar. I suddenly have the need to go and find Mark. I need to tell him that I pulled through. I owe him that much.

"Joe, I gotta go. See ya soon", I say, before slipping of the bar stool and turn to walk towards the door.

"See ya soon honey", he yells after me. "Tell Mark I said hi".

How the hell does he know that I'm going to see Mark? That's just freaky.  


15 minutes later I arrive at Mark's hotel. Because I feel like I'm in a hurry and I don't want to wait for the elevator I decide to take the stairs. After a little while I arrive in front of Mark's hotel room.

I take a few deep breaths and try to catch my breath. Showing up here panting would require a explanation and I am not going to tell him that I was dying to see him. Because that would just be fuel on the fire. He's cocky enough as it is, so no need to expand his ego any more.

When I feel like I can breath normally I knock on the door. A few muffled sounds are heard, before I hear him walking towards the door.

After a few seconds it opens, revealing a tired Mark with a naked torso. Quickly I check my watch and discover that it's already past midnight. Mark obviously had already gone to bed. When I look back up he smirks at me. He obviously knows he looks good. Damn it, how can I focus when he's dressed like that.

I tear my eyes away from him and look him straight in his eyes.

"I settled for friendship with Derek".

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. I will post the other chapters in the coming days. Reviews are - as always - greatly appreciated.


End file.
